Dear Mr. Smellsalot,
It has come to the attention of some of the staff in your general area that you are lacking in the personal hygiene department.
Although this matter is not highly relevant to your work ethic it becomes a concern as the day goes on as a matter of importance to those around you.
Going forward please make a conscious effort to wear deodorant in the work place as it effects the productivity of those around you.
Thank you for your attention to the matter,
Management.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Mediocre post
There’s such a thing as being a good winner and a bad winner, as well as a good loser and a bad loser.
I think I’m in the middle of both, I don’t sulk when I lose, I try and take it all in stride, I think you have to learn to be that way when you’re me, I’m mediocre at pretty much everything… I’m not usually the worst (except for lawn darts, don’t ever play lawn darts with me because even though you’ll win, I’ll probably end up throwing the dart backwards and somehow injuring you) I’m also not usually the best. I start out trying and then something clicks off in my brain, my competitive side has become listless and apathetic, where did you go competitive side??? You used to be so boiling hot and angry all the time! That’s what made me a bad loser and a bad winner though.
Now I’m neutral.
I’m always up for a game though, any game really. If you really want to see me lose challenge me to Wii, anything Wii, for some reason I just don’t get this new technology. What do you mean if I move the thing on the screen moves? How does that even happen? Maybe I just need more practice. I think I need to practice quietly in my basement away from the pressures and distractions of friends.
The only thing I get really into these days is hockey, for some reason when I root for my team it’s like a life or death situation, I feel so much pain and anguish when we lose. I feel so elated and fantastic when we win, and I say WE because it’s US, I’m playing too. I’m playing for pride and glory and smack talk. The feelings last for days whatever the outcome!
Which brings me to ponder, if I played hockey would I be more competitive? I think this winter season I should try it. I live in a community with no less than 6 outdoor rinks. Easily available to me at any time. I have no excuse, I must play, I must get better at stick handling (pun intended), must must must.
Hey, “must” is one of those words that if you say it over and over again it stops making sense. Kinda like milk. Go figure.
We’ll end it there, I think that’s more than enough thought for a Friday.
I think I’m in the middle of both, I don’t sulk when I lose, I try and take it all in stride, I think you have to learn to be that way when you’re me, I’m mediocre at pretty much everything… I’m not usually the worst (except for lawn darts, don’t ever play lawn darts with me because even though you’ll win, I’ll probably end up throwing the dart backwards and somehow injuring you) I’m also not usually the best. I start out trying and then something clicks off in my brain, my competitive side has become listless and apathetic, where did you go competitive side??? You used to be so boiling hot and angry all the time! That’s what made me a bad loser and a bad winner though.
Now I’m neutral.
I’m always up for a game though, any game really. If you really want to see me lose challenge me to Wii, anything Wii, for some reason I just don’t get this new technology. What do you mean if I move the thing on the screen moves? How does that even happen? Maybe I just need more practice. I think I need to practice quietly in my basement away from the pressures and distractions of friends.
The only thing I get really into these days is hockey, for some reason when I root for my team it’s like a life or death situation, I feel so much pain and anguish when we lose. I feel so elated and fantastic when we win, and I say WE because it’s US, I’m playing too. I’m playing for pride and glory and smack talk. The feelings last for days whatever the outcome!
Which brings me to ponder, if I played hockey would I be more competitive? I think this winter season I should try it. I live in a community with no less than 6 outdoor rinks. Easily available to me at any time. I have no excuse, I must play, I must get better at stick handling (pun intended), must must must.
Hey, “must” is one of those words that if you say it over and over again it stops making sense. Kinda like milk. Go figure.
We’ll end it there, I think that’s more than enough thought for a Friday.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Happy Turkey Day!
So this year I’ve been left to fend for myself Turkey-wise, Mum went to Osoyoos to see the Salmon who are missing and Dad took off to Toronto to spend time with family… what am I? chopped liver?
Anyway, I’m being a touch dramatic, Brother, cousin and the G-units are still here. I get a full blown turkey dinner tomorrow, but I can’t be left out of what I’ve discovered to be the “orphans thanksgiving”. Cousin told me about it last year, it’s where young adults get together and celebrate thanksgiving together because their parents don’t live in the same city, however, in true Generation WHY style we are too LAZY to cook anything and clean it up. Answer? Swiss chalet.
Genius. Pure brilliance. And so, this year because I truly feel left out in the cold by my parents I’ve called up a friend who I know to love swiss chalet and we have plans on Sunday to hang out in our pajamas and watch movies, eat swiss chalet and most likely drink and eat pie. In a completely selfish sense I’m almost more excited about Sunday than I am about the turkey dinner! No cleaning, no forced awkward conversations with my G-units senile friends that don’t remember my name… instead I get alcohol, movies and pajamas.
Don’t get me wrong! I love my family more than anything else, but I also love my friends and my down time and my chicken. That’s right, dirty little secret, I’d take chicken over turkey anyday.
Anyway, I’m being a touch dramatic, Brother, cousin and the G-units are still here. I get a full blown turkey dinner tomorrow, but I can’t be left out of what I’ve discovered to be the “orphans thanksgiving”. Cousin told me about it last year, it’s where young adults get together and celebrate thanksgiving together because their parents don’t live in the same city, however, in true Generation WHY style we are too LAZY to cook anything and clean it up. Answer? Swiss chalet.
Genius. Pure brilliance. And so, this year because I truly feel left out in the cold by my parents I’ve called up a friend who I know to love swiss chalet and we have plans on Sunday to hang out in our pajamas and watch movies, eat swiss chalet and most likely drink and eat pie. In a completely selfish sense I’m almost more excited about Sunday than I am about the turkey dinner! No cleaning, no forced awkward conversations with my G-units senile friends that don’t remember my name… instead I get alcohol, movies and pajamas.
Don’t get me wrong! I love my family more than anything else, but I also love my friends and my down time and my chicken. That’s right, dirty little secret, I’d take chicken over turkey anyday.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
FoooooooooooD
I know I write a lot about food, but seriously, who DOESN’T like food? Everyone likes food.
Today a couple of girlfriends and I are going to Japanese village for lunch. For 2 of them it will be their first time, I’m not going to lie, I revel in ripping restaurant virginity from my friends. If there’s one thing I know, it’s food, I steal all my Mamas suggestions, she’s the BEST at finding these little places. Japanese Village isn’t exactly top secret, but it’s not somewhere that a ton of people would really think to go.
So we’re headed there for lunch. I’ll get the filet mignon because it’s only $13 at lunch time! It’s so worth it if you’re like me and you can only go once a month. Ahhhhh.
But I digress, what I was originally going to say is that lunch time is coming EVER so slowly today! Why? Just because I’m waiting impatiently??? That just doesn’t make sense. Why does time go so slowly when something fabulous is coming!? And then when you’re doing the fabulous thing, like eating… time FLIES by.
I also must say on a completely off note, that 2 of my best friends in the world are vegetarians, so I’ve begun to think like one, in the planning of meals aspect, because our favorite thing to do it eat and laugh. We end up doing this very often, so in order to accommodate me they use tofu and fake meat, so in order to accommodate them I must find recipes that don’t have any meat. I admit, at first I was skeptical that anything could taste good without meat. OH HOW WRONG I WAS! We had a finger painting party on Tuesday and Kyla made Vegan Chili! It was DIVINE! Anne came by and we made fresh veggie soup with veg from her Moms garden and I mouthgasmd! It was amazing. So you see? I can be wrong… I think that’s the point of this whole post, is admitting that I was wrong. Once.
Today a couple of girlfriends and I are going to Japanese village for lunch. For 2 of them it will be their first time, I’m not going to lie, I revel in ripping restaurant virginity from my friends. If there’s one thing I know, it’s food, I steal all my Mamas suggestions, she’s the BEST at finding these little places. Japanese Village isn’t exactly top secret, but it’s not somewhere that a ton of people would really think to go.
So we’re headed there for lunch. I’ll get the filet mignon because it’s only $13 at lunch time! It’s so worth it if you’re like me and you can only go once a month. Ahhhhh.
But I digress, what I was originally going to say is that lunch time is coming EVER so slowly today! Why? Just because I’m waiting impatiently??? That just doesn’t make sense. Why does time go so slowly when something fabulous is coming!? And then when you’re doing the fabulous thing, like eating… time FLIES by.
I also must say on a completely off note, that 2 of my best friends in the world are vegetarians, so I’ve begun to think like one, in the planning of meals aspect, because our favorite thing to do it eat and laugh. We end up doing this very often, so in order to accommodate me they use tofu and fake meat, so in order to accommodate them I must find recipes that don’t have any meat. I admit, at first I was skeptical that anything could taste good without meat. OH HOW WRONG I WAS! We had a finger painting party on Tuesday and Kyla made Vegan Chili! It was DIVINE! Anne came by and we made fresh veggie soup with veg from her Moms garden and I mouthgasmd! It was amazing. So you see? I can be wrong… I think that’s the point of this whole post, is admitting that I was wrong. Once.
Monday, September 28, 2009
A Poem for Lilia
Rated R for language and content.
you have been warned;
Purple Kitten eating Unicorns
By Asha Stasiulis-Chen-See
Deep in the forest
Purple unicorns reside
They’re sick little fuckers
That eat kittens by the by
They’ll rip of that fur
And nom the meat from those bones
They’ll spit out the eyes
And mash the intestines with stones
These Purple Unicorns
No person should fear
For they only eat kittens
At humans they leer
So dread not dear reader
If it’s Unicorn attention you crave
They won’t harm your flesh
Just make you their sex slave.
you have been warned;
Purple Kitten eating Unicorns
By Asha Stasiulis-Chen-See
Deep in the forest
Purple unicorns reside
They’re sick little fuckers
That eat kittens by the by
They’ll rip of that fur
And nom the meat from those bones
They’ll spit out the eyes
And mash the intestines with stones
These Purple Unicorns
No person should fear
For they only eat kittens
At humans they leer
So dread not dear reader
If it’s Unicorn attention you crave
They won’t harm your flesh
Just make you their sex slave.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Things that are coloured.
Oh colourful things how I love you!
You cheer up my world, when I’m feeling blue.
Highlighter, crayons, and post it notes too!
Without your brightness I don’t know what I’d do.
When the skies are a gloomy gray
And their sadness seeps into my heart to stay
I get a bag of skittles and I say without delay
“I love colours and skittles Hooray!”
So when you have the grumps,
You think you’re down in the dumps.
Take a look around at the colours you see
And you’re day will be brighter, just like me…umm mine, um my day. Is brighter.
You cheer up my world, when I’m feeling blue.
Highlighter, crayons, and post it notes too!
Without your brightness I don’t know what I’d do.
When the skies are a gloomy gray
And their sadness seeps into my heart to stay
I get a bag of skittles and I say without delay
“I love colours and skittles Hooray!”
So when you have the grumps,
You think you’re down in the dumps.
Take a look around at the colours you see
And you’re day will be brighter, just like me…umm mine, um my day. Is brighter.
A letter from the editor.
Dear office air conditioner,
It has come to my attention that you are indeed very good at your job, you are effective to the very nth degree. I am currently so cold that I cannot feel my hands. Well done.
If you don’t mind, would you please lay the FUCK off? I had hot soup for lunch. It’s 32 degrees outside. I shaved my legs this morning, you wouldn’t be able to tell that now…
Thank you,
Management
It has come to my attention that you are indeed very good at your job, you are effective to the very nth degree. I am currently so cold that I cannot feel my hands. Well done.
If you don’t mind, would you please lay the FUCK off? I had hot soup for lunch. It’s 32 degrees outside. I shaved my legs this morning, you wouldn’t be able to tell that now…
Thank you,
Management
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Everything's just Tickyboo!
What the heck does that even mean?
I’ve had this conversation a million times with a million different people, ok I’ve had it a million different times with probably about 6 different people. What DOES it mean?
I mean I know there are sayings out there that come from things that USED to happen. Like raining cats and dogs, it comes from when roofs were made of straw and cats and small creatures used to get up there and hide in the straw because it was warm, and then when it would rain really hard the straw would get slippery and the cats would fall off the roof. But what about the dog part? How do dogs get up there? And it’s not really in a dogs nature to cuddle up in some straw on a roof anyway. Is it?
What about that’s the cats pajamas? The bees knees? Bees don’t have knees you silly people!
I’ve had this conversation a million times with a million different people, ok I’ve had it a million different times with probably about 6 different people. What DOES it mean?
I mean I know there are sayings out there that come from things that USED to happen. Like raining cats and dogs, it comes from when roofs were made of straw and cats and small creatures used to get up there and hide in the straw because it was warm, and then when it would rain really hard the straw would get slippery and the cats would fall off the roof. But what about the dog part? How do dogs get up there? And it’s not really in a dogs nature to cuddle up in some straw on a roof anyway. Is it?
What about that’s the cats pajamas? The bees knees? Bees don’t have knees you silly people!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Wednesday Worries...
Modern women… BAH!
Being modern is SO confusing these days. We’re supposed to be independent, we’re supposed to want careers and be driven and have personality and look good and rock out, party and have a sensitive side, we can want kids, or we can not want kids, it’s up to us now. We should work out, be skinny, but eat whatever we want. Wait what?
We want to be swept off our feet. “no girl wakes up thinking I hope I’m NOT swept off my feet today”. We want to be taken on dates, I’m so surprised at how many of my guy friends are shocked that my girls and I have probably been on 4 dates, all put together. Well boys, you don’t exactly take us on dates these days do you? It’s group hangouts, to a number exchange, to texting 20 questions, to e-stalking, whether it be facebook, google, myspace, we e-stalk each other, then we sext. Then after a drunken night with a big group we end up alone together for the first time. There’s not date after that, we’re too busy, you’re too busy, with work and sports, school, family, other friends. Our dates turn into Tuesday night tv and falling asleep on the couch at 9.
All this is just a sign of the times though. I think… everything’s changing around me, I want things to just fall into my lap, but it’s not going to happen, I’m part of a generation that expects everything to just happen, but it doesn’t. I need to grow some balls and go after what I want. It’s time to stop being afraid of what might happen because I know that I can handle whatever might happen. Or at least Mummy will help me…
In conclusion, this is just a bunch of thoughts that hit me this morning, all I really want is a bag of 5 cent candies when I have a bad day, a hug and kiss at least every 3 days, and to laugh, every day, at least once an hour when I’m not sleeping. Too much?
Being modern is SO confusing these days. We’re supposed to be independent, we’re supposed to want careers and be driven and have personality and look good and rock out, party and have a sensitive side, we can want kids, or we can not want kids, it’s up to us now. We should work out, be skinny, but eat whatever we want. Wait what?
We want to be swept off our feet. “no girl wakes up thinking I hope I’m NOT swept off my feet today”. We want to be taken on dates, I’m so surprised at how many of my guy friends are shocked that my girls and I have probably been on 4 dates, all put together. Well boys, you don’t exactly take us on dates these days do you? It’s group hangouts, to a number exchange, to texting 20 questions, to e-stalking, whether it be facebook, google, myspace, we e-stalk each other, then we sext. Then after a drunken night with a big group we end up alone together for the first time. There’s not date after that, we’re too busy, you’re too busy, with work and sports, school, family, other friends. Our dates turn into Tuesday night tv and falling asleep on the couch at 9.
All this is just a sign of the times though. I think… everything’s changing around me, I want things to just fall into my lap, but it’s not going to happen, I’m part of a generation that expects everything to just happen, but it doesn’t. I need to grow some balls and go after what I want. It’s time to stop being afraid of what might happen because I know that I can handle whatever might happen. Or at least Mummy will help me…
In conclusion, this is just a bunch of thoughts that hit me this morning, all I really want is a bag of 5 cent candies when I have a bad day, a hug and kiss at least every 3 days, and to laugh, every day, at least once an hour when I’m not sleeping. Too much?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Memories and lessons
I remember in grade 10 when I was walking to school one day, early in my high school career. There were 2 girls walking behind me, I was wearing a brand new outfit that my Mum had bought me especially for school, it was a nice black skirt and grey cardigan and mary jane shoes, I had pretty socks on too, even though I was wearing black shoes, they were white socks, but I liked them. I now realize how silly I probably looked, but at the time I thought they were a nice touch. Very MJ. Well! The 2 girls behind me started making fun of me, really loudly and pointing and laughing at my outfit, it destroyed me, it totally broke my heart. From that point on I completely conformed, I only wore what other girls wore, I was a fashion victim to the nth degree. I refused to deviate from the strict conformity.
About a year ago I started wearing white socks with my black shoes again, because my feet get cold. My friends teased me again, but I found I didn’t care, and neither did they, they accepted my odd ways with love and found it endearing. That’s what real friends do, they make fun of you and then tell you they love you, and your white socks. Don’t ever underestimate the power of horrible fashion sense. With inner permission from 10th Grade Asha I will begin to wear side ponytails and tie dye again, because she deserves to shine, in every way possible.
Oh and those girls? The mean ones? I bet they’re fat and ugly now.
Ps. They were totally band geeks.
About a year ago I started wearing white socks with my black shoes again, because my feet get cold. My friends teased me again, but I found I didn’t care, and neither did they, they accepted my odd ways with love and found it endearing. That’s what real friends do, they make fun of you and then tell you they love you, and your white socks. Don’t ever underestimate the power of horrible fashion sense. With inner permission from 10th Grade Asha I will begin to wear side ponytails and tie dye again, because she deserves to shine, in every way possible.
Oh and those girls? The mean ones? I bet they’re fat and ugly now.
Ps. They were totally band geeks.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A little nothing really.
Just because I haven't written in a while I feel as though I need to say a little bit of something, the problem is I can't think of anything to say really.
There's a girl that sits near me who chews really loudly and I can hear her eating chips, I can actually tell what she's eating every time she eats, I can tell when it's a sandwich because of the squishy sound, I can tell when it's carrots because of the snap. I also get the pleasure of hearing her blow her nose and swear at her computer. oh GodLIZza, I owe you so much.
One day she was annoying me so much that I swept my hands all over my desk and knocked everything over just to make more noise than she was. It worked until she asked me if I was ok... then I felt bad.
She's actually very nice.
Another thought that goes through my head is; sometimes I wish I were a guy, because they can pee standing up and I think that's cool! (GodLizza "NOM NOM") I also think that having facial hair might be fun somethimes! Every now and then Murray and I stroke our invisible beards.
("CHOMP CHOMP")
Also, this weekend when Christine and Murray and I were in Canmore we went into the 2nd hand bookstore and found a book called "what are drugs?" it's a kids book, and it was really disturbing, it had a whole page dedicated to Cocaine. I should have bought it, I still regret not buying it. So if you're ever in Canmore's 2nd hand (CHOMP NOM) bookstore please go into the kids section and look for it. It's only $2.50, totally worth it.
CHOMP NOM CHOMP CRUNCH CHOMP... OMG.....
There's a girl that sits near me who chews really loudly and I can hear her eating chips, I can actually tell what she's eating every time she eats, I can tell when it's a sandwich because of the squishy sound, I can tell when it's carrots because of the snap. I also get the pleasure of hearing her blow her nose and swear at her computer. oh GodLIZza, I owe you so much.
One day she was annoying me so much that I swept my hands all over my desk and knocked everything over just to make more noise than she was. It worked until she asked me if I was ok... then I felt bad.
She's actually very nice.
Another thought that goes through my head is; sometimes I wish I were a guy, because they can pee standing up and I think that's cool! (GodLizza "NOM NOM") I also think that having facial hair might be fun somethimes! Every now and then Murray and I stroke our invisible beards.
("CHOMP CHOMP")
Also, this weekend when Christine and Murray and I were in Canmore we went into the 2nd hand bookstore and found a book called "what are drugs?" it's a kids book, and it was really disturbing, it had a whole page dedicated to Cocaine. I should have bought it, I still regret not buying it. So if you're ever in Canmore's 2nd hand (CHOMP NOM) bookstore please go into the kids section and look for it. It's only $2.50, totally worth it.
CHOMP NOM CHOMP CRUNCH CHOMP... OMG.....
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Dear Calgary Transit
scene;
it's 4pm on a Tuesday, I'm ready to pack it in and call 'er a day!
grab my hoodie and head for the door, it's POURING rain... what? it was sunny at 3:58, shrug it off, it's Calgary after all.
No problem! I pull out my umbrella that I carry everywhere with me!
one step outside and the wimpy thing blasts inside out. oh my.
well, at least I have a hood, so I pull that over my head and half run half slip towards the c-train platform. I make it! ALIVE!
the platform is packed, even more so than usual, first train isn't mine, it looks so dry and empty in there! so welcoming, but it's McKnight, I need Somerset.
so I let it pass, watching it go, longingly.
Next train is mine! it's pretty full already, add the people on the platform and it's like I apparated to China transit, but the lovely driver announces that there's another train right behind him that's TOTALLY EMPTY!
well! that settles it! I get off and I'll wait a minute.
so the next train comes... it's not empty. not even a little bit empty! that lying bastard!
Well I can't wait any longer or I'll miss my adjoining bus.
So I squish on, I end up right next to a sweet looking nurse (I can tell she's a nurse 'cause she's wearing nurse grubs, or whatever their called)
well, the sun is out, and now it's unusually warm in the train, plus everyone is wet from the downpour, so it's humid too, which works wonders on my sinus cold. All of a sudden my nose starts to tingle... I can feel it start to run.
I grab the handy tissue that I put in my pocket earlier just in case.
It turns out one tissue was no match for the waterfall freeing itself from my nose...
and of course the nurse is not fooled, I'm obviously sick, nurses know! they ALWAYS KNOW!!!
trying really hard not to drip on her we're nearly at my stop... just as I start to get excited about getting off the train the unthinkable happens!!! I'm struck with the intense need to sneeze.
Now friends, if I sneeze no less than 10 people in my immediate vicinity will be showered with nose water and germs. I have one hand on the bar and one hand holding my purse, no blockage in sight!! so I scrunch my face up as hard as I can, almost blinking out my left contact lens. I'm sure I look amazingly sexy.
FREEDOM! my stop! I shove a little old lady out of my way as I gasp for air.
Now off the train I sniff, because I'm out of tissue. The loudest most disgusting sniffle of all time. it's a crowd stopper.
Off I hurry to catch my bus!
only to discover...glory Hallelujah!!! I've missed all 3 possible buses!
So I stand back and wait, while waiting in the nice warm sun I'm approached by what I can only imagine to be 2 homeless people, they do not speak to me, they mearly stand within my personal bubble and begin to kiss. Then they start to ravish each other!
I step back, somewhat disgusted. I step directly on an old milk carton, discarded, half full, in the hot summer sun.
It explodes all over my shoes and tights. sour milk.
yum.
oh look! the bus is here!
I am lucky enough to get a seat! right next to 3 of the nerdiest boys I've ever seen, don't get me wrong, I love nerds! I AM a nerd. But these ones smell... their body odor is so intense that I actually miss the single smell of sour milk.
These boys seem to have just purchased what look like metal claws that hook to your finger! excitement! they spend the time scratching each other with their metal fingers and shrieking at each other, which I can only imagine is what they think dragons must sound like?
Oh look! an open seat! away from the smell!
I plop down next to a sweet looking girl and her 1 year old son.
The son takes one look at me and starts to HOWL. He hates me. he hates me more than pain. More than starvation.
I stand back up, run to the front of the bus and wait for my stop, far away from anything and anyone.
When the doors open I practically tumble out into the sun, excited that I don't have to go through that again for 14 hours.
it's 4pm on a Tuesday, I'm ready to pack it in and call 'er a day!
grab my hoodie and head for the door, it's POURING rain... what? it was sunny at 3:58, shrug it off, it's Calgary after all.
No problem! I pull out my umbrella that I carry everywhere with me!
one step outside and the wimpy thing blasts inside out. oh my.
well, at least I have a hood, so I pull that over my head and half run half slip towards the c-train platform. I make it! ALIVE!
the platform is packed, even more so than usual, first train isn't mine, it looks so dry and empty in there! so welcoming, but it's McKnight, I need Somerset.
so I let it pass, watching it go, longingly.
Next train is mine! it's pretty full already, add the people on the platform and it's like I apparated to China transit, but the lovely driver announces that there's another train right behind him that's TOTALLY EMPTY!
well! that settles it! I get off and I'll wait a minute.
so the next train comes... it's not empty. not even a little bit empty! that lying bastard!
Well I can't wait any longer or I'll miss my adjoining bus.
So I squish on, I end up right next to a sweet looking nurse (I can tell she's a nurse 'cause she's wearing nurse grubs, or whatever their called)
well, the sun is out, and now it's unusually warm in the train, plus everyone is wet from the downpour, so it's humid too, which works wonders on my sinus cold. All of a sudden my nose starts to tingle... I can feel it start to run.
I grab the handy tissue that I put in my pocket earlier just in case.
It turns out one tissue was no match for the waterfall freeing itself from my nose...
and of course the nurse is not fooled, I'm obviously sick, nurses know! they ALWAYS KNOW!!!
trying really hard not to drip on her we're nearly at my stop... just as I start to get excited about getting off the train the unthinkable happens!!! I'm struck with the intense need to sneeze.
Now friends, if I sneeze no less than 10 people in my immediate vicinity will be showered with nose water and germs. I have one hand on the bar and one hand holding my purse, no blockage in sight!! so I scrunch my face up as hard as I can, almost blinking out my left contact lens. I'm sure I look amazingly sexy.
FREEDOM! my stop! I shove a little old lady out of my way as I gasp for air.
Now off the train I sniff, because I'm out of tissue. The loudest most disgusting sniffle of all time. it's a crowd stopper.
Off I hurry to catch my bus!
only to discover...glory Hallelujah!!! I've missed all 3 possible buses!
So I stand back and wait, while waiting in the nice warm sun I'm approached by what I can only imagine to be 2 homeless people, they do not speak to me, they mearly stand within my personal bubble and begin to kiss. Then they start to ravish each other!
I step back, somewhat disgusted. I step directly on an old milk carton, discarded, half full, in the hot summer sun.
It explodes all over my shoes and tights. sour milk.
yum.
oh look! the bus is here!
I am lucky enough to get a seat! right next to 3 of the nerdiest boys I've ever seen, don't get me wrong, I love nerds! I AM a nerd. But these ones smell... their body odor is so intense that I actually miss the single smell of sour milk.
These boys seem to have just purchased what look like metal claws that hook to your finger! excitement! they spend the time scratching each other with their metal fingers and shrieking at each other, which I can only imagine is what they think dragons must sound like?
Oh look! an open seat! away from the smell!
I plop down next to a sweet looking girl and her 1 year old son.
The son takes one look at me and starts to HOWL. He hates me. he hates me more than pain. More than starvation.
I stand back up, run to the front of the bus and wait for my stop, far away from anything and anyone.
When the doors open I practically tumble out into the sun, excited that I don't have to go through that again for 14 hours.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Nerves at 25?
Do I still get nervous? Really?
Apparently the answer is yes, I do.
I had lunch today in the lunch room, which I never do, being the secluded type, you know me...
I prefer no human contact and therefore sit at my desk during lunches and read tfln.com even though I know them all off by heart.
Today I was dragged kicking and screaming away from my safe haven by lifes evil temptress "Shopping", also accompanying L.E.T. was our fab HR girl Keagan. Hence my attempts at a social life through work.
After the shopping however, that's where it just gets awkward...
Keagan sits in the lunch room at lunch time, she is sociable and easy to talk to, everyone knows Keagan. No one Knows me, I like to think I'm the elusive and mysterious pretty girl that works in trucking that no one knows anything about...
I single handedly managed to rid myself of this made up fable in a less than half hour period of time.
I was awkwardly sitting in this HUGE chair and I could barely reach my food. There was no room on the one side of the table so I got stuck facing everyone… alone… my hands were shaking as I was trying to eat. I barely said 2 words, Keagan could tell I was nervous as hell. I had nothing to say, I barely made eye contact with anyone. I tried to leave at 12:30 but I couldn’t think of a valid excuse, so I just sat there awkwardly, not eating because I was just too nervous to eat. You think it would have been cute, but I just feel dumb. They were talking about Vegas, I’ve never been, so I just sat there and looked at the wall because the TV was behind me.
It was magic. The entire thing made me feel like I should learn exactly what dungeons and dragons really means.
Apparently the answer is yes, I do.
I had lunch today in the lunch room, which I never do, being the secluded type, you know me...
I prefer no human contact and therefore sit at my desk during lunches and read tfln.com even though I know them all off by heart.
Today I was dragged kicking and screaming away from my safe haven by lifes evil temptress "Shopping", also accompanying L.E.T. was our fab HR girl Keagan. Hence my attempts at a social life through work.
After the shopping however, that's where it just gets awkward...
Keagan sits in the lunch room at lunch time, she is sociable and easy to talk to, everyone knows Keagan. No one Knows me, I like to think I'm the elusive and mysterious pretty girl that works in trucking that no one knows anything about...
I single handedly managed to rid myself of this made up fable in a less than half hour period of time.
I was awkwardly sitting in this HUGE chair and I could barely reach my food. There was no room on the one side of the table so I got stuck facing everyone… alone… my hands were shaking as I was trying to eat. I barely said 2 words, Keagan could tell I was nervous as hell. I had nothing to say, I barely made eye contact with anyone. I tried to leave at 12:30 but I couldn’t think of a valid excuse, so I just sat there awkwardly, not eating because I was just too nervous to eat. You think it would have been cute, but I just feel dumb. They were talking about Vegas, I’ve never been, so I just sat there and looked at the wall because the TV was behind me.
It was magic. The entire thing made me feel like I should learn exactly what dungeons and dragons really means.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Answers for Anne
I am horribly disappointed I haven't given you quote worthy advice. Also, mmm... purple popsicles! Also, also - if you ask Bill Gates for money, could you maybe put a P.S. at the end of your letter that mentions Anne Baxter?Okay - time for a question.Dear Ask Asha Blargh,Last night I had a dream that I was bitten by a werewolf and I was concerned that my vampire lover would no longer want me. Also, I was in a really bad mood at one point and was going to eat a large brownie with icing on it and my mom gave me a look and I got mad and threw the brownie away. What do you think this means? Also, have any weird dreams lately you'd care to share?
Dear Karma,
you HAVE given me quote worthy advice!
Things like;
" My God you're brilliant and pretty"
"I like the freckle on my lip"
"let's eat"
"ooohhhhh being drunk is good!"
these are all very useful tips in my life!
As far as your dream goes, from what I've read vampires don't really like the smell of werewolves, so I think you're effed. Go for Jacob, he's a stud! Edward's kind of gay.
Was this brownie fiasco a dream? or real life? because the one episode of sex and the city that I caught some girl ate some of a brownie, threw it out, then picked it up out of the garbage and ate more. Then she poured dishwasher soap on it so she wouldn't take it out again. You sound better off than her, I'd say all you really need to overcome your issue is a house hippo, those bring endless joy.
I haven't really remembered my dreams as of late, except one, although it's not something I'd normally share....
So in my dream there's this dude... (there's always a dude) and he was TOTALLY going to KISS me! omg. right?
so I lean in for the kiss... and then I drool on him. He looks up, shocked, and I wake up and realize I just drooled all over my pillow.
Feeling like a total winner I roll over and try to recapture the dream, didn't even flip my pillow, that's what hair is for, covering up...
Dear Karma,
you HAVE given me quote worthy advice!
Things like;
" My God you're brilliant and pretty"
"I like the freckle on my lip"
"let's eat"
"ooohhhhh being drunk is good!"
these are all very useful tips in my life!
As far as your dream goes, from what I've read vampires don't really like the smell of werewolves, so I think you're effed. Go for Jacob, he's a stud! Edward's kind of gay.
Was this brownie fiasco a dream? or real life? because the one episode of sex and the city that I caught some girl ate some of a brownie, threw it out, then picked it up out of the garbage and ate more. Then she poured dishwasher soap on it so she wouldn't take it out again. You sound better off than her, I'd say all you really need to overcome your issue is a house hippo, those bring endless joy.
I haven't really remembered my dreams as of late, except one, although it's not something I'd normally share....
So in my dream there's this dude... (there's always a dude) and he was TOTALLY going to KISS me! omg. right?
so I lean in for the kiss... and then I drool on him. He looks up, shocked, and I wake up and realize I just drooled all over my pillow.
Feeling like a total winner I roll over and try to recapture the dream, didn't even flip my pillow, that's what hair is for, covering up...
Monday, August 10, 2009
Case of the Mondays
I have a case of the Mondays. Maybe I should look into working construction or embezzling millions of dollars from Bill Gates.
Do you think that if I wrote Bill a letter explaining that I would like a little bit of money because I need it he would respond with a personalised cheque? Maybe it's woth a shot...
Sometimes I feel like Mondays are an extended hangover of the weekend, even if I didn't drink at all, I just feel bummed and blue, maybe gray, not blue.
I have things to look forward to though! so let us all focus on those.
Tonight I'm meeting all the people that I will be houseboating with on the 21st. Tomorrow I have a date with my friend Kat! we will most likely go to east side Marios because it's got delicious calamari. Wednesday is beer and tacos Wed! so I took Hungover Thursday off of work. Thursday night is the Kings of Leon concert!!!! floor seats. Palabra. Then it's Friday, and although I have no solid plans I'm sure something (or someone) will come up. Haha.
So it's really not so bad. Some advice people gave me over the years;
"Nothing good ever happens when you're down" - Gstar
"If you're bored it's because you're a boring person" - Ken can'trememberhislastname
"If you look for the bad in people, you'll surely find it" - Pollyanna (via Hayley Mills)
"Happiness is only one purple Popsicle away" - Me
I'm going to buy me a purple Popsicle on the way home today, I'll probably eat candy for dinner just 'cause I can, and laugh at a friends rerun. Stoked on getting pumped.
Do you think that if I wrote Bill a letter explaining that I would like a little bit of money because I need it he would respond with a personalised cheque? Maybe it's woth a shot...
Sometimes I feel like Mondays are an extended hangover of the weekend, even if I didn't drink at all, I just feel bummed and blue, maybe gray, not blue.
I have things to look forward to though! so let us all focus on those.
Tonight I'm meeting all the people that I will be houseboating with on the 21st. Tomorrow I have a date with my friend Kat! we will most likely go to east side Marios because it's got delicious calamari. Wednesday is beer and tacos Wed! so I took Hungover Thursday off of work. Thursday night is the Kings of Leon concert!!!! floor seats. Palabra. Then it's Friday, and although I have no solid plans I'm sure something (or someone) will come up. Haha.
So it's really not so bad. Some advice people gave me over the years;
"Nothing good ever happens when you're down" - Gstar
"If you're bored it's because you're a boring person" - Ken can'trememberhislastname
"If you look for the bad in people, you'll surely find it" - Pollyanna (via Hayley Mills)
"Happiness is only one purple Popsicle away" - Me
I'm going to buy me a purple Popsicle on the way home today, I'll probably eat candy for dinner just 'cause I can, and laugh at a friends rerun. Stoked on getting pumped.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Fall in Summer
Well! I think that sometimes you can combine one fruit and one vegetable into a single dish and it might be delicious! Normally I like to keep mine separate, I'm one of those people who need everything on their plate separated, if my rice is touching my salad... I get the heebee jeebees just thinking about it.
There are exceptions however! such as cold cucumbers on pepperoni pizza! in this case the pizza would act as the fruit.
or, frozen blueberries and cream! the cream being the vegetable.
Also a delicious treat; celery and peanut butter!
All in all I believe I've proven my point.
Now readers I would like to pose a question to you!
If you could be a super hero what would your super spandex colours be and why?
I myself would pick yellow and green and maybe some purple for the A emblem. because I love yellow, and green AND purple. yup.
There are exceptions however! such as cold cucumbers on pepperoni pizza! in this case the pizza would act as the fruit.
or, frozen blueberries and cream! the cream being the vegetable.
Also a delicious treat; celery and peanut butter!
All in all I believe I've proven my point.
Now readers I would like to pose a question to you!
If you could be a super hero what would your super spandex colours be and why?
I myself would pick yellow and green and maybe some purple for the A emblem. because I love yellow, and green AND purple. yup.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Neglected Duties
he he duties....
uhhhh, ok dear readers, I apologize for not paying more attention to my blog.
I have no excuses except it was hot outside and I was having too much fun with that.
HARRY POTTER
The 6th movie, Harry Potter and the half blood prince.
Was by far the best movie yet, it followed the book so closely! it made all my wildest dreams regarding magic come true! mind you they left out the Roonil Wazlib part, and I did laugh out loud at that in the book, but if that's my only complaint!? good work.
CAMPING
went camping last weekend for a lovely 4 weekend getaway, I'm not telling you where it was because it's a secret and if everyone goes there then it will get ruined. And also I want you to take me with you if you ever attempt to go. I got eaten alive by mosquitoes and had to hike up a river to get to the camp, there were bears and giant wasps, but I battled them all to overcome! ok actually I mostly layed in a serene lake on a floaty or on the rocks.
Again, sorry this is rushed but unforeseen circumstances have arisen (we got a new flavoured Slurpee in the lunch room) I must go!
Asha
uhhhh, ok dear readers, I apologize for not paying more attention to my blog.
I have no excuses except it was hot outside and I was having too much fun with that.
HARRY POTTER
The 6th movie, Harry Potter and the half blood prince.
Was by far the best movie yet, it followed the book so closely! it made all my wildest dreams regarding magic come true! mind you they left out the Roonil Wazlib part, and I did laugh out loud at that in the book, but if that's my only complaint!? good work.
CAMPING
went camping last weekend for a lovely 4 weekend getaway, I'm not telling you where it was because it's a secret and if everyone goes there then it will get ruined. And also I want you to take me with you if you ever attempt to go. I got eaten alive by mosquitoes and had to hike up a river to get to the camp, there were bears and giant wasps, but I battled them all to overcome! ok actually I mostly layed in a serene lake on a floaty or on the rocks.
Again, sorry this is rushed but unforeseen circumstances have arisen (we got a new flavoured Slurpee in the lunch room) I must go!
Asha
Monday, July 13, 2009
Ho Hum
What a dreary and sad type of Monday. It's only fitting that I find Plain White T's on my ipod. It's like the whole city gets hungover after stampede is over. On the upside all the douchey girls and guys can't wear their cowboy hats anymore. (myself included).
So what's left to do in Calgary now that the foreigners have left with their cameras and their maps and the grounds once again look barren and lonely?
HARRY POTTER PEOPLE!!!! it's out on Wednesday. I have my tickets! do you?
I'ma geek out for a minute.....
It's Harry Potter and the half blood prince and I'm personally looking forward to a little darker side of the magic. We'll see how it goes, I'll give you my personal review on Thursday.
Then again maybe not until Monday as I'll be out of town on a big fancy excursion for exclusive bloggers.
goooooooing camping with some friends. Word. Palabra.
So what's left to do in Calgary now that the foreigners have left with their cameras and their maps and the grounds once again look barren and lonely?
HARRY POTTER PEOPLE!!!! it's out on Wednesday. I have my tickets! do you?
I'ma geek out for a minute.....
It's Harry Potter and the half blood prince and I'm personally looking forward to a little darker side of the magic. We'll see how it goes, I'll give you my personal review on Thursday.
Then again maybe not until Monday as I'll be out of town on a big fancy excursion for exclusive bloggers.
goooooooing camping with some friends. Word. Palabra.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Things I'd like to yell at people
karmap0lice said...
I wants a spring rolllllll...Dear Ask Asha Blargh,Sometimes I get sentimental thinking about all nighters. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
Dear Karma,
I would like to tell you that the longest I've gone without sleep was just in the last few days because I'm uncharacteristically grumpy right now.
However, I went to bed at a very decent time last night.
I think the longest I've gone without sleep was less than 48 hours, and that was when I was just little, you know? when you were physically ABLE to stay up? now I cannot. I will fall asleep whether I want to or not roughly every 3 hours. I'm not narcoleptic, I just get bored alot.
SINCE I am grumpy I'd like to discuss people.
Aren't people stupid? here is a list of things I'd like to yell at them.
- don't block the sidewalk/escalator/door while I'm walking here, you may not be in a hurry but I want a cinnamon bun!
- you can't wear neon tights with jeans skirts!
- 17th Ave is not a safe haven for sluts! put your pants on.
- just because the whole city is happy doesn't mean I have to be!
- I'm sick of Jack Johnson!
- I know it was YOU that farted
- give me all your money!
- stop talking about yourself!
there's more but I got side tracked and I've lost my train of thought.
Asha
I wants a spring rolllllll...Dear Ask Asha Blargh,Sometimes I get sentimental thinking about all nighters. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
Dear Karma,
I would like to tell you that the longest I've gone without sleep was just in the last few days because I'm uncharacteristically grumpy right now.
However, I went to bed at a very decent time last night.
I think the longest I've gone without sleep was less than 48 hours, and that was when I was just little, you know? when you were physically ABLE to stay up? now I cannot. I will fall asleep whether I want to or not roughly every 3 hours. I'm not narcoleptic, I just get bored alot.
SINCE I am grumpy I'd like to discuss people.
Aren't people stupid? here is a list of things I'd like to yell at them.
- don't block the sidewalk/escalator/door while I'm walking here, you may not be in a hurry but I want a cinnamon bun!
- you can't wear neon tights with jeans skirts!
- 17th Ave is not a safe haven for sluts! put your pants on.
- just because the whole city is happy doesn't mean I have to be!
- I'm sick of Jack Johnson!
- I know it was YOU that farted
- give me all your money!
- stop talking about yourself!
there's more but I got side tracked and I've lost my train of thought.
Asha
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Stampede Retaliation
ok ok, I get the hostility. I didn't mean to insult by any means. I love this city, I'm a Calgary girl through and through. My short stint in Toronto proves it. ALL I was saying was that I was lacking the usual excitement and that the stampede was missing something FOR ME this year. Besides. shut up. this is MY blog. I can talk about anything I like. such as;
Jen Hard Knoxx Cheng leaves today for Istanbul and I think EVERYONE should check out jetsetzero.tv because she's gonna be on there soon.
ALSO
I'm going for Pho for lunch. I'm thinking soup, but undecided as it's fairly warm outside and that could be a bad choice, I may have the vermicelli noodles. With spring rolls. Delish!
Jen Hard Knoxx Cheng leaves today for Istanbul and I think EVERYONE should check out jetsetzero.tv because she's gonna be on there soon.
ALSO
I'm going for Pho for lunch. I'm thinking soup, but undecided as it's fairly warm outside and that could be a bad choice, I may have the vermicelli noodles. With spring rolls. Delish!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Vita Mix, how I love thee
Happy Monday readers!
I'm gonna write about the Stampede... I think I'm one of the few people in this city who can openly discuss their Stampede experience under the age of 60. Everyone else is being scandalous. Aren't you?
Ok, so I've lived here my whole life. Born and raised Calgarian, I've never missed a stampede... however, I feel it's becoming more of an obligatory tradition than a fun one. I haven't missed one, so I can't EVER miss one, but this year it just didn't feel the same. The excitement wasn't there, the heart pounding, toe tingling sensation I get when I see all those carts lined up ready to give me food, all those real live infomercials in the round up centre... specifically the Vita Mix.
The Vita Mix is a blender, it makes hot soup because the friction from the blade heats the ingredients to 180 degrees after 15 minutes, it's entirely waterproof, it cleans itself, you can even make instant ice cream! it's the only instant ice cream maker on the market. I go there every year to watch the demonstrations. It's the best part of the stampede (in my opinion).
I love the food, I love the rides, I love the games, I love the rodeo! But when you're paying $5 for a bottle of water, $14 entrance, $6 for one ride, $5 for any given game just to win a stuffed toy that will end up at the thrift store in less than a month.... the free samples from the Vita mix are looking better and better.
To own a Vita mix it will cost you $500. SO, I have until my birthday to make 50 friends who will give m $10 each so that I can keep it in an envelope. Next year, I'm going to march right through those stampede gates (after giving them the raised price of $15) and hand over my saved envelope to the vita mix team. I want a red one.
All in all, I'll take the fun party atmosphere and the good natured people every year, without the cost.
Also, next year around this time I'll be having a vita mix party, with your help. Please donate to my Asha wants a vita mix so bad it hurts fund.
Thanks peoples.
I'm gonna write about the Stampede... I think I'm one of the few people in this city who can openly discuss their Stampede experience under the age of 60. Everyone else is being scandalous. Aren't you?
Ok, so I've lived here my whole life. Born and raised Calgarian, I've never missed a stampede... however, I feel it's becoming more of an obligatory tradition than a fun one. I haven't missed one, so I can't EVER miss one, but this year it just didn't feel the same. The excitement wasn't there, the heart pounding, toe tingling sensation I get when I see all those carts lined up ready to give me food, all those real live infomercials in the round up centre... specifically the Vita Mix.
The Vita Mix is a blender, it makes hot soup because the friction from the blade heats the ingredients to 180 degrees after 15 minutes, it's entirely waterproof, it cleans itself, you can even make instant ice cream! it's the only instant ice cream maker on the market. I go there every year to watch the demonstrations. It's the best part of the stampede (in my opinion).
I love the food, I love the rides, I love the games, I love the rodeo! But when you're paying $5 for a bottle of water, $14 entrance, $6 for one ride, $5 for any given game just to win a stuffed toy that will end up at the thrift store in less than a month.... the free samples from the Vita mix are looking better and better.
To own a Vita mix it will cost you $500. SO, I have until my birthday to make 50 friends who will give m $10 each so that I can keep it in an envelope. Next year, I'm going to march right through those stampede gates (after giving them the raised price of $15) and hand over my saved envelope to the vita mix team. I want a red one.
All in all, I'll take the fun party atmosphere and the good natured people every year, without the cost.
Also, next year around this time I'll be having a vita mix party, with your help. Please donate to my Asha wants a vita mix so bad it hurts fund.
Thanks peoples.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Dear Salmon Bento Box
Dear Salmon Bento Box,
I would like to inform you that from 9:30am this morning I've been yearning to microwave you so that I could eat you. I've been very hungry today. So when 11:30 finally came around and I felt it was appropriate to cook something in the microwave here at work I went straight out and did just that.
HOWEVER
The microwave in our kitchen is broken so I had to take you to the other kitchen which is not so much far as it is inconvenient.
nonetheless I did it. I had to come back to my desk and count for 4 minutes and then go back, at which point you were cooked. I opened the microwave to uncover my delicious food that I had been waiting 2 hours to make to get hit in the face with the most offensive fish smell in the universe.
HOW DARE YOU NOT BE FRESH?
I'm hungry, I waited patiently, I walked distances!!!!
and now, i ate half the rice, all the veggies and the dumpling, and I'm STILL HUNGRY and I don't like stinky salmon.
So NOW what the heck am I supposed to do? all I have are almonds and carrot sticks and they don't fill me up. I have to waste time walking around trying to find food? is that what I'm supposed to do? that seriously cuts into my reading Harry Potter slash textsfromlastnight.com time.
In conclusion, you're a giant let down bento box. I'll be surprised if I ever buy you again.
Asha
ps. please tune in next week for Dear Chicken bento box.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Trampizzzoline
karmap0lice said...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO! NO! NO! Fuck Ted! FUCK! WHY?!? Shit. That sucks. Tannahills?Also...Dear Ask Asha Blargh,I like coffee. What's your favorite drink?
Dear Karma,
yes. I am not pleased with Ted and his decision to ruin my life. However I do plan on buying a trampoline because I just can't live without it. In the mean time I guess we will have to go see the Tannahills. Blast them and their half naked cleaning habits!
Also,
I also like coffee, I had one and a half this morning. My favorite drink? well that's a toughy! I mean I like alcoholic beverages. Specifically the Patio Joe from Original Joes. But as far as virgins go... and believe me, I know virgins. I enjoy a good cherry juice box. They are hard to find, but worth the search.
love from
Asha
JenShithead said...
It may be for the better, that is the trampoline of death.
Dear Jen,
just because you can't jump up and down without somehow hurting yourself...
Also, the injury caused you to go the physio, in which you get handled by a ridiculously hot therapist, and so the trampoline actually helped you.
amirite?
Asha
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO! NO! NO! Fuck Ted! FUCK! WHY?!? Shit. That sucks. Tannahills?Also...Dear Ask Asha Blargh,I like coffee. What's your favorite drink?
Dear Karma,
yes. I am not pleased with Ted and his decision to ruin my life. However I do plan on buying a trampoline because I just can't live without it. In the mean time I guess we will have to go see the Tannahills. Blast them and their half naked cleaning habits!
Also,
I also like coffee, I had one and a half this morning. My favorite drink? well that's a toughy! I mean I like alcoholic beverages. Specifically the Patio Joe from Original Joes. But as far as virgins go... and believe me, I know virgins. I enjoy a good cherry juice box. They are hard to find, but worth the search.
love from
Asha
JenShithead said...
It may be for the better, that is the trampoline of death.
Dear Jen,
just because you can't jump up and down without somehow hurting yourself...
Also, the injury caused you to go the physio, in which you get handled by a ridiculously hot therapist, and so the trampoline actually helped you.
amirite?
Asha
Tragedy Strikes my backyard.
Ted took his trampoline back. Now I have no trampoline and am forced to jog for exercize.
Stupid Ted.
Stupid Ted.
Monday, June 29, 2009
flaky, douchey, cheap, sensitive, wimpy, creepy, MIKE
What reaction from the Mike article....
Alright, please let me clarify. Every single one of my girlfriends has a Mike of their very own. That's why we had to separate with descriptive first names. so that Flike, Dike, Chike, Sike, Wike and Crike could all be decifered.
I know that you will all note that all the descriptive words are negative. This is because all of these Mikes have hurt us.
The reason we gave them names, and not all the other guys in our lives, is because we have a problem with letting Mike's go.
Don't deny it ladies. You all know you find it hard. I do.
So, the Mike comes, he hurts, you push him away, he weasels back, you let him in, he hurts, you freak, he weasels back. lather, rinse, repeat.
responses;
Michael,
Jichael, (J=whatever you wish)... I realize you feel the need to stand up for Mike's of the world. I assure you right now though, that you really don't. They will continue to "burn" (figuratively or otherwise) women forever. It is their God given right.
Asha
Dear Karma,
I could write an entire post on your question, however that may seen slightly egotistical. I will therefore do this in jot note form
- I have hair
- I have a dog named Molly who weighs 2 pounds - literally
- My Mom took me for lunch today
- I found a nerf crossbow
- I'm currently not wearing shoes
- I still find farting funny
- I use jot notes.
Asha
Dear Nate,
I think what you're really asking me here is if I will go on a date with James Franco, and the answer is yes. Yes I will. He has wanted me for a very long time. I'm glad he's finally acting on his feelings through you.
Also, I will be happy to say straight up what I think for you. Send me your problems. I will solve them!
Tact is old news.
Asha
Jen,
Thank you for clarifying.
Asha
- Asha
AshaAshaAshaAsha
Alright, please let me clarify. Every single one of my girlfriends has a Mike of their very own. That's why we had to separate with descriptive first names. so that Flike, Dike, Chike, Sike, Wike and Crike could all be decifered.
I know that you will all note that all the descriptive words are negative. This is because all of these Mikes have hurt us.
The reason we gave them names, and not all the other guys in our lives, is because we have a problem with letting Mike's go.
Don't deny it ladies. You all know you find it hard. I do.
So, the Mike comes, he hurts, you push him away, he weasels back, you let him in, he hurts, you freak, he weasels back. lather, rinse, repeat.
responses;
Michael,
Jichael, (J=whatever you wish)... I realize you feel the need to stand up for Mike's of the world. I assure you right now though, that you really don't. They will continue to "burn" (figuratively or otherwise) women forever. It is their God given right.
Asha
Dear Karma,
I could write an entire post on your question, however that may seen slightly egotistical. I will therefore do this in jot note form
- I have hair
- I have a dog named Molly who weighs 2 pounds - literally
- My Mom took me for lunch today
- I found a nerf crossbow
- I'm currently not wearing shoes
- I still find farting funny
- I use jot notes.
Asha
Dear Nate,
I think what you're really asking me here is if I will go on a date with James Franco, and the answer is yes. Yes I will. He has wanted me for a very long time. I'm glad he's finally acting on his feelings through you.
Also, I will be happy to say straight up what I think for you. Send me your problems. I will solve them!
Tact is old news.
Asha
Jen,
Thank you for clarifying.
Asha
- Asha
AshaAshaAshaAsha
Lazy Monday Posts
This is the time when I just go through old emails and copy and paste some of the good stuff.
For example, the following is a letter I compiled for my friend when she got burned by a douche named Mike. and he's a Flake. hence; Flakey Mike, or "Flike".
Dear Flike,
In regards to the events that procured last weekend please note the following,
Your ethic and attitude towards Jen Hard Knoxx Cheng has been set under scrutinizing review and I, as well as your other superiors, would like to speak with you on the matter.
It has come to our attention that you have no common sense and that you are not fit to be a human being. Please feel free to punch yourself in the face as it might alleviate some of the pain that will come when we neuter you.
Should you decide to treat another woman the way you have treated our little darling please keep in mind that you will be needing a hearty dose of Novocain to handle the ball of fury we plan to throw at you.
I highly recommend locking your vehicle somewhere safe. As well as your balls you no good asshole piece of shit.
Xoxo
Asha
For example, the following is a letter I compiled for my friend when she got burned by a douche named Mike. and he's a Flake. hence; Flakey Mike, or "Flike".
Dear Flike,
In regards to the events that procured last weekend please note the following,
Your ethic and attitude towards Jen Hard Knoxx Cheng has been set under scrutinizing review and I, as well as your other superiors, would like to speak with you on the matter.
It has come to our attention that you have no common sense and that you are not fit to be a human being. Please feel free to punch yourself in the face as it might alleviate some of the pain that will come when we neuter you.
Should you decide to treat another woman the way you have treated our little darling please keep in mind that you will be needing a hearty dose of Novocain to handle the ball of fury we plan to throw at you.
I highly recommend locking your vehicle somewhere safe. As well as your balls you no good asshole piece of shit.
Xoxo
Asha
Friday, June 26, 2009
FINE we'll talk about MJ
karmap0lice said...
Dear Ask Asha Blargh,If Michael Jackson was reincarnated as an animal, what animal would it be and why?
Dear Karma,
What I actually think you're asking here is whether reincarnation actually exists. While I understand that my blog is profound and inspiring I discourage using me as your God or leader. Reincarnation is based on the religion you choose so maybe talk to your Church or Rabbi to confirm what you should believe in.
However, if MJ came back as an animal I believe he would be a Panda 'cause it don't mattah if he's black or white.
Asha
Dear Ask Asha Blargh,If Michael Jackson was reincarnated as an animal, what animal would it be and why?
Dear Karma,
What I actually think you're asking here is whether reincarnation actually exists. While I understand that my blog is profound and inspiring I discourage using me as your God or leader. Reincarnation is based on the religion you choose so maybe talk to your Church or Rabbi to confirm what you should believe in.
However, if MJ came back as an animal I believe he would be a Panda 'cause it don't mattah if he's black or white.
Asha
Friends Unlimited (FU)
JenShithead said...
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD AND ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS YOUR GLOW?You insensitive bitch.
Dear Jen,
Thank you for the constructive criticisms, I will be sure to take into account celebrity deaths next time I post something on my blog regarding my life and what affects it. Would you also like me to include blurbs regarding sports teams I don't watch and countries I've never been to? As always my readers input is appreciated, have a wonderful day.
Asha
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD AND ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS YOUR GLOW?You insensitive bitch.
Dear Jen,
Thank you for the constructive criticisms, I will be sure to take into account celebrity deaths next time I post something on my blog regarding my life and what affects it. Would you also like me to include blurbs regarding sports teams I don't watch and countries I've never been to? As always my readers input is appreciated, have a wonderful day.
Asha
The Hangover... no no not the movie.
MY hangover. Today.... so brutal, worst I've had all week.
Kidding. Totally kidding.
Was that a bad joke? I can't even tell right now.
Pieces of last night keep flickering through my head, things like swigging back 5 hour energy that we found at the dollar store which I'm sure we mixed with blueberry vodka. Hot tamales, someone had a massive ziplock bag full of them, and I'm pretty sure if I threw up right now (which I'm not counting out of todays equation just yet) it would be ripe with red hot candies.
On the up side I did shower this morning so I don't smell... yet. I just realized I forgot deodorant, I hate when I do that because just the knowledge that I'm not wearing any makes me immediately sweat (or "glow" Mum said "Girls glow, we don't sweat") so I am sitting here. glowing my ass off over the fact that I forgot deodorant.
If I rub lip gloss under my arms do you think that will stop it and mask the smell?
Maybe that's just too far, or maybe it's not.
Again... I can still barely function. It's going to be a great day.
Kidding. Totally kidding.
Was that a bad joke? I can't even tell right now.
Pieces of last night keep flickering through my head, things like swigging back 5 hour energy that we found at the dollar store which I'm sure we mixed with blueberry vodka. Hot tamales, someone had a massive ziplock bag full of them, and I'm pretty sure if I threw up right now (which I'm not counting out of todays equation just yet) it would be ripe with red hot candies.
On the up side I did shower this morning so I don't smell... yet. I just realized I forgot deodorant, I hate when I do that because just the knowledge that I'm not wearing any makes me immediately sweat (or "glow" Mum said "Girls glow, we don't sweat") so I am sitting here. glowing my ass off over the fact that I forgot deodorant.
If I rub lip gloss under my arms do you think that will stop it and mask the smell?
Maybe that's just too far, or maybe it's not.
Again... I can still barely function. It's going to be a great day.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
First Question
karmap0lice said...
Dear Ask Asha Blargh,Why don't the boys I like like me back? Should I get a boob job?
Dear Karma,
I fancy myself something of an expert on boys and boobs.
I think that the boys you like actually DO like you back, they just don't know it yet. try being naked in a room with them! you'll find yourself with so much attention you won't know what to do.
Also, yes. boob jobs help.
Asha.
Dear Ask Asha Blargh,Why don't the boys I like like me back? Should I get a boob job?
Dear Karma,
I fancy myself something of an expert on boys and boobs.
I think that the boys you like actually DO like you back, they just don't know it yet. try being naked in a room with them! you'll find yourself with so much attention you won't know what to do.
Also, yes. boob jobs help.
Asha.
First Morning
Things that happened this morning.
I picked a wedgie walking to the bus and when I turned around there was a couple behind me. Darn.
I noticed this girl on the bus every morning. She’s black, and skinny, and she has the greatest ass I’ve ever seen. No joke. I ACTUALLY imagine it naked. Because it’s just SO awesome. I’m gay.
I fell in love on the train this morning, I think this will be a regular occurrence. I was falling asleep minding my own business and he was sitting diagonally across the isle from me. Bright blue eyes, white baseball hat. Every time he moved I flinched. Just out of pure adrenaline. He took a drink from his juice and I thought “my god I love you” he coughed, I thought “my god I love you” he got up to get off the train and I thought “don’t go! I love you!” I will call him Ethan.
I think that’s about all that went down this morning. Mind you it’s only 7:28am so we have a bit more to go.
I picked a wedgie walking to the bus and when I turned around there was a couple behind me. Darn.
I noticed this girl on the bus every morning. She’s black, and skinny, and she has the greatest ass I’ve ever seen. No joke. I ACTUALLY imagine it naked. Because it’s just SO awesome. I’m gay.
I fell in love on the train this morning, I think this will be a regular occurrence. I was falling asleep minding my own business and he was sitting diagonally across the isle from me. Bright blue eyes, white baseball hat. Every time he moved I flinched. Just out of pure adrenaline. He took a drink from his juice and I thought “my god I love you” he coughed, I thought “my god I love you” he got up to get off the train and I thought “don’t go! I love you!” I will call him Ethan.
I think that’s about all that went down this morning. Mind you it’s only 7:28am so we have a bit more to go.
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